8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
This is Sparta
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down