[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
taking June’s advice to heart
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
🤭😂
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.