[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Fluff me with a fork baby
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
never forget
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.