[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works