According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
men’s fashion peaked in 1838