everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled