Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too