WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m having an out of money experience.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?