Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —