My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u