I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
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Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Meeeee too!
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Risking my life for fun.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.