me irl
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BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
and now we wait
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.