Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.