The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear