When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.