I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!