I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?