[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Oh no
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
#SuperBowl
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.