A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.