My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.