WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
me after eating Cheetos
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.