Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels