Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
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Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’m about to risk it all
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle