Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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“OMGJK” -atheists
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
“You’d better run, egg!”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.