[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”