Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”