Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
me and the Superbowl rn
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.