Blew out my flip flop…
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.