I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey