Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?