Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.