[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
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Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”