Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Lol
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?