[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
You Might Also Like
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
constantly working on myself.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.