Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
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Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.