Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
me when I see my crush
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Realize this:
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again