The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.