*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Autocorrect completely socks
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush