It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!