I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
This is the best one I’ve seen
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise