100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
You Might Also Like
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”