There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
23. the denim jacket
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”