~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.