using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
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Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Jesus Christ lmao
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.