I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.