Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma