Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
adam and eve had first world problems
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir