I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You Might Also Like
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs