“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
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Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Seems legit
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.