If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.